I just sat through an hour of North American Championship Lumberjacking on ESPN2 with my jaw hanging open and my heart pounding. Never have I witnessed such raw power (pardon the pun) and talent — not to mention the 300cc motorcycle engines attached to chain saws that really DID saw through wood like a “hot knife through butter.” These were the men (and women) forever immortalized by Monty Python and I’m here to tell you that America needs more Lumberjacks.
Lumberjacks don’t give a spotted owl’s hoot about needing a level playing field. Women compete alongside men and no one laments the fact that women carry their weight lower. In a race, no one cries about soft wood catching the ax or hard knots slowing the saw. Nope. To lumberjacks, that’s part of the beauty of real wood trees. Besides, those perfectly uniform plastic trees (most commonly used for Christmas trees) are real difficult to grow.
Lumberjacks know what to do with a good forest. It’s a darned good thing too because I’m sure that if pencils had always been made from stone we’d all have forearms like Popeye the Sailor Man. With a world like, that the stress on spinach growers would just be too great. No, it’s much better to cut down some of Sherwood Forest for the Sheriff of Nottingham’s fireplace. A lumberjack knows how to cut the deficit. Actually, there’s nothing a lumberjack doesn’t know how to cut. When they’re done, there might be nothing left but a pile of sawdust, but that’s better than what’s lying around Washington. From where I sat, I’ll bet it wouldn’t take a hundred committees and 5 years to do it either.
Two words: health care. This is a healthy bunch who has no use for lawyers (that puts them on my good side right away). You show me someone who thinks it’s unhealthy to “sleep all night and work all day” and I’ll show you an insurance salesman. After swinging an ax all day there’s no energy left for anything but “putting on women’s clothing and parading around in bars.”